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  • Uliya

Feeling torn a part

I recently sent this text to a friend:

I've definitely been feeling torn a part recently. I am in touch with all the ways that I have stood up for what is just and can remember how I've invested time, emotion, and resources. But I'm also connected to memories and ways I feel I've maybe been complicit, too silent or missed opportunities to really speak up and call something out. In this moment, it's specifically related to solidarity with Black people.

I recognize that I might not be the "problem" and I did what I did, or rather didn't do what I didn't do, for whatever reason back. But didn't I know better even then? Why didn't I have more courage?

And then I remember that none of this work can be done in a vacuum or frankly, can be done alone.

And I think now even when there's so much activity, and it feels like things might change, it really appears that the indicator is moving just a small blip despite the pain, effort, solidarity, and emotionality.

It frames my efforts or non-efforts as inconsequential. I feel hopeless.

So when I'm feeling fraught, intricate, and pointed feelings, I began to try write lyrics and melody. Song really helps me process and make purpose out of my sometimes excruciating anxiety.

Often I have lists of endless voice memos just sitting on my phone of different drafts and iterations. It could be that they change drastically, merge into one another, or are never heard again. Today, I'm taking some time to honor my process and also honor the ideas even in the nascent form.

Torn Apart
I'm torn a part again
I'm neither here or there
I have no place to call my own
No where to go that's home
Create some space with me
Make some for us to breathe
In and out...with me
In and out...we breathe

Seismic release
Shake me to the ground
Tension relieved
I am heaven bound

Close your eyes
Take a breathe
Time folds on to itself
From the past
Wisdom will rise
With the future we'll align
There is no X
There is no Y
There is no perfect upward line
Energy will ebb and flow
Clarity will come and go
I remember when I knew better...
I remember when I felt better...

And I'll leave you with a playlist I just boosted on my Spotify: